Sheryl from Paper Napkin created this for me. Isn't it great? 

Pirate Jesus 

Hey

So.

Mountain Dew is a thing of the past. I have conquered the addiction. I have triumphed. This is good.

I'm back on Effexor. Thank God.

Am I losing weight? No, not so much. Do I care? No. Not really. Being back on the Effexor has made me realize that I can't obsess over my weight, it makes me depressed which makes me eat even more which totally defeats the purpose of the Effexor.

So. Thank you all, for all of your support. This blog has served it's purpose. I won't be updating here again.

Where Have I Been?

I've been hiding.

I've had Mountain Dew several times since my last post. And I have to tell you that, quite frankly, it sucks and I so much prefer Diet Coke. Sugared pop is gross. Isn't it amazing how your perceptions change? A year ago, I would have sneered at Diet Coke. Now, when I go to the restaurant that does not have Coke products, I drink Iced Tea.

I am not doing well with trying to lose weight. I am drinking my water but that's about it.

The bout of depression that I could feel coming on did just that. I have a vague sense of emptiness floating about me. It's not that I'm overly sad or want to die or anything, it's just this knowing that I am not happy and I have not been happy for a long time. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, I do, it's just that I have to force myself to enjoy it. There's something that tells me I don't deserve happiness. Which is stupid, I know. But hey, what are you going to do?

What I am going to do is this: I have made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday. I will be asking to be put back on Effexor. I remember the last time I was on Effexor and how much easier everything seemed to be. I was happy, I didn't eat all the time, I had energy because I was sleeping so much better. One little pill corrected a chemical imbalance and made things so much easier.

I know life shouldn't be this hard and I am looking forward to things being normal again. Wish me luck.

Falling off the wagon

I have been sick lately. Sore throat, stuffy nose (or running, at the most inconvenient times), coughing. I want to crawl into bed and not move for a month. But I can't because I work for a living and can't afford to lose my job.

On Tuesday or Wednesday, don't remember which, Keem and I went to Embers. Embers serves Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew has always been that thing that I go for when I'm not feeling good. It is, in it's own way, comfort food.

I asked the waitress to bring me a Mountain Dew, with a lot of ice. That made it not so bad, since it was watered down.

It was good to taste it again. To realize that Mountain Dew is not the ambrosia that I remember it to be. That I actually am beginning to prefer Diet Coke (with a lime slice, served by the delightful Bobby at The Chalet).

It felt good on my sore throat. The carbonation helped soothe the pain. It made my lackluster Lotsa Meat skillet and the lackluster service seem a little more sparkly than they actually were.

I've not been doing so well on my quest for better health and a better physical condition. I keep thinking about how I'm going to exercise, how I'm going to lose weight, how I'm going to be the best Dana I can be. And then I don't do anything.

Eh. At least I'm sick and don't have much of an appetite. That's something. I'll hopefully post again when I'm not feeling so blah.

Giving Up?

I'm not sure what's going on anymore. Yes, it's true, I've been able to give up Mountain Dew. I'm quite proud of that.

But I can't stick to anything else consistently.

I'm not exercising. I'm not cutting back on portions. I'm eating junk.

Why?

I know that giving up the Mountain Dew was the biggest step for me. I know that because of this, I haven't been going off on obsessive junk-food-filled binges of massive proportions (which, believe me, I have done before).

I'm only eating when I'm hungry, not because I'm depressed or bored or tired. At least I think I am.

Now I am looking at what I'm doing and am wondering why do I make the choices that I make, why do I do the things that I do? Why do I buy the donuts or the chips w/dip or the pizza instead of buying something healthy.

And I realize I am depressed, I am bored, I am tired. And I need to do something about it.

There once was a time when I was happy, where I was losing weight without even thinking about it, where I had energy and was, dare I say it, even a little bouncy. And this was when I was on Effexor and was dealing with the chemical imbalance that causes my depression.

With winter coming, I can't allow myself to fall into another depression. Especially since I also suffer from an odder version of bi-polar syndrom (or manic-depression, you pick) which is triggered by landmarks. In other words, I get depressed around my birthday. And this is because I had a former friend who used to say right around March 1st (my birthday's on the 11th) "Dana, you're going to be (insert number) years old on the 11th. What have you accomplished with your life?" And no matter what I said I was proud of, he would rip it apart. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or thin enough, I wasn't rich or famous or anything enough.

I've moved on, I have removed negative influences from my life, I have wonderful, spectacular friends who uplift me everyday...and yet, I can still hear his voice in the back of my head every once in awhile. "Dana, Dana, you're going to be 38 in March. What have you done? Are you married? Do you have children? Have you ever finished that book you started?"

And I sit there and look at my life and wonder what have I done? What have I accomplished? I'm not trying to depress anyone by writing this, I'm not asking for affirmations (well, not much anyway), I'm just trying to work this out in my mind.

I'm 37 years old, I am reasonably happy most of the time (maybe the word is content) but I still have inner voices telling me how pathetic I am. I had a pyschologist who figured out the landmark thing and who also told me that I should imagine that those voices are demons and then imagine that I am Xena, Warrior Princess and kick some demon ass.

I'm trying. But I think it might go better if I visit my doctor and get the Effexor again. Which means calling and setting up an appointment and figuring out if I want to use a full day of vacation or a half day (because I only have one day left this year). Which means riding the freakin' bus. God, I hate the bus.

Okay, enough whining for the day. I need to do something about this. I am not going to give up.

Was I bad? Was I good? You decide.

I do not know whether I should be ashamed of myself for yesterday or if I should be proud. Maybe a little of both.

Apparently, last night I was having issues. These are issues involving shopping when hungry. Never a good thing. So I bought a bag of chips and jalapeno cheddar dip and two (2!) of these really yummy Klondike Oreo ice cream sandwiches which are really yummy (did I mention they were yummy?) and I ate them! And 3 hot dogs. And a bagel, dripping with butter. Not a good thing.

I can say that there was no pop, there was the refreshing goodness of water. There was that slight twinge again, the one that looked at the Mountain Dew bottles. Then it looked at the Diet Coke with Lime bottles. And lusted briefly for both. But I said No! - quite firmly and said I would drink water. Yet I let myself be seduced by the siren call of all the fattening food I bought.

However, while watching CSI:, I grabbed the weights and started lifting them again. And then, during the commercials, I got up and started walking around the living room, carrying the weights, lifting them and walking briskly. I did this during commercials and even part of the show itself, both CSI: & Without A Trace.

It didn't hurt, I found my breathing was accelerated but not rapid, there was no asthma attack.

So, even though I did not make healthy choices when it came to food yesterday, I'm pleased about the exercise. This is big for me.

It was interesting that the Without A Trace episode was regarding a woman who hated the way she looked, had surgery on one of those reality shows (this one was called American Goddess) and ended up even more miserable than she had been when she started.

It gave me a lot of (please pardon the pun) food for thought. I know that I'll never be one of those women that obsesses over her appearance like this poor character did last night but I would like to be healthy. Right now? My goal is to get under 300 pounds. Who knows? Maybe I am already there. Probably not.

Lioness, you asked if my clothes were feeling looser. Yes and no. It depends on the piece of clothing. I usually like my shirts to be loose anyway so they are not a good way for me to determine anything. I think I may try measuring myself this weekend and then start tracking progress that way.

My ultimate goal is to weigh 180 again. That is what I weighed in high school and I looked good, I just didn't appreciate it because I was surrounded by size 4's. If I can get there, I will try to get to 150. That would mean I'd have to lose an entire person. That's going to be tough. But I can get there. I know I can do this.