Where Have I Been?

I've been hiding.

I've had Mountain Dew several times since my last post. And I have to tell you that, quite frankly, it sucks and I so much prefer Diet Coke. Sugared pop is gross. Isn't it amazing how your perceptions change? A year ago, I would have sneered at Diet Coke. Now, when I go to the restaurant that does not have Coke products, I drink Iced Tea.

I am not doing well with trying to lose weight. I am drinking my water but that's about it.

The bout of depression that I could feel coming on did just that. I have a vague sense of emptiness floating about me. It's not that I'm overly sad or want to die or anything, it's just this knowing that I am not happy and I have not been happy for a long time. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, I do, it's just that I have to force myself to enjoy it. There's something that tells me I don't deserve happiness. Which is stupid, I know. But hey, what are you going to do?

What I am going to do is this: I have made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday. I will be asking to be put back on Effexor. I remember the last time I was on Effexor and how much easier everything seemed to be. I was happy, I didn't eat all the time, I had energy because I was sleeping so much better. One little pill corrected a chemical imbalance and made things so much easier.

I know life shouldn't be this hard and I am looking forward to things being normal again. Wish me luck.