Okay. The title sums it up. I miss Mountain Dew. I have managed to remain strong and resist the siren's song.
The whole point to Living Dew Free is to make good choices. I once went to a nutritionist who told me that I could probably lose a pound to two pounds a week if I just cut out full sugar pop. Did I listen? No. Do I regret it? No. Regret those glorious years I spent with my beautiful, beautiful Mountain Dew. Never.
Do I regret all the times I let emotions rule me and would stuff my face because of something some jackass said to me? Yes.
Now that I have finally learned to eat only when I am hungry, now that I don't let emotions take over, now that I have decent friends who don't think it's hilarious to see me cry, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the hell happened.
I don't want to be a stick. I'm not looking to be the next super model. I look at pictures of me back in high school and wonder why did I let things get out of control like this? At 18, I weighed 180 pounds, I wore a size 16 or 18 and I looked damn good. I had curves and actual cleavage (ah, cleavage, I miss you most of all).
But I got depressed. And I ate. And my boyfriend, lying, cheating scum that he was, left me to move to Oregon. And I ate. And I fell in with a crowd of people I would not associate with today and continued my exploration with drugs. And I got the munchies.
It was a vicious circle. I saw a doctor a few years back who talked about the fact that I have a lot of testosterone in my blood. It's caused by my excess weight. And the problem with having the excess testosterone (aside from the hairy arms and toes and "stray eyebrows") means that it's difficult for me to lose weight. This was a great guy. He looks me straight in the eye and says "It's not fair. It's a vicious circle. But you can do something about it." But then I saw the other doctor who made this big production about my weight and called me disgusting. And I went home discouraged and I ate.
So here's the thing. It's not fair. It is a vicious circle. But now I'm going to break it.
I don't have a scale. I'm not counting points or giving up carbs. I'm just making choices. I'm Living Dew Free so that means I may decide I want that piece of pie. Or bacon. Oh, sweet bacon, how I love thee (bacon's not really sweet but you get my point). But on the other hand, it may mean that I have a salad for lunch for the last 3 days.
I'm the type of person who can't diet. If I think I'm on a diet, I start to get depressed and feel like I'm starving and then I start bingeing. And then I start feeling guilty. And you know what happens, I'm back in my vicious circle again.
So. I'm not on a diet. I'm making some changes to my life. I'm Living Dew Free.
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3 comments:
I read a book by the drs. hellers (http://www.carbohydrateaddicts.com/) and realised I'm a carbo addict. There are very concrete physsiological reasons for it and soda just floods your body with sugar. I don't have a weight problem but if i eat in a certain way, say i eat mostly pasta it's like the loop from hell and the more i eat the more i want. maybe you are the same too? I think your approach is the only sane one. You should keep to a diet in the sense that you choose a life diet that is good for you, not in the sense that you starve and deprive yourself from everything that is pleasurable. I'm rooting for you.
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I have more of a texture thing. I love the way certain foods taste and feel in my mouth that I will eat mass quantities of them without taking into consideration what it's doing to my body. I love bread and cannot comprehend life without it but am learning to control myself a bit more. For example, I don't sit down with a loaf of rye bread and a stick of butter anymore. Granted, that was during a major depression but still not so healthy.
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